Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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