If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
