I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's blow job season.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just want nice things and good sex
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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