i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
