and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
