How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
