You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize