I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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