Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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