Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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