One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
