it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
