So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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