If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
