Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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