You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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