dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
