My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
