Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
