Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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