My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
