I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
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