I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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