This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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