I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
