Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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