lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
