Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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