hotel room ftw
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
