omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
