your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
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i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
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Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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