you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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