Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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