is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I am available for nakedness
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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