I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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