Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just googled if crying burns calories
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
