I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
