We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
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I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
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Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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