Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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