I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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