I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
