having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
