I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
