You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
