cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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