Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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