He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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