the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
