I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
