I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
