somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
