I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
