do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
