I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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