woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
