Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
