I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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